so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
