I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
