My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Let the clothes fall where they may.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
