Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
