i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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