Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
