you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
