life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
