Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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