The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
