birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
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