I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
