I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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