he wants to bone in the snuggie
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
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