Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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