Don't you send me to vm
wakey wakey hands off snakey
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
