Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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