We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
