it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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