The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
