Jerry, you need to find god
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
