I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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