I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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