yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
