actually, I'm a sock model
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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