Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
