Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's never too late to be topless.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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