Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
