i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
