I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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