Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
