There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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