I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i think i just lost a toe
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
