Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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