i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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