I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
