Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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