dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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