I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
