Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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