just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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