2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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