Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
