he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
