i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
