When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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