I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!