he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I think this conversation is over.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.