Betty ford says i'm here all night
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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