Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
