I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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