he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
