Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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