Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
