I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
