Pants 0. Shit 1.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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