First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
