take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
