i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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