Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
