I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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