Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
