It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
